13 Hilarious Facts of Life After Kids

by Stephanie Blum

When I was pregnant, my friends with children warned me: “Your life is never going to be the same!” But it wasn’t until after my kids were born that I fully understood what those words meant. Here’s a look at how things really change once you become a mom:

BEFORE KIDS: You can sleep as late as you want;                                                                                                                             AFTER KIDS: You can’t even sleep through the night

BEFORE KIDS: You visit the doctor for an occasional checkup;                                                                                                   AFTER KIDS: You rush to the doctor whenever your baby doesn’t seem to be farting enough

BEFORE KIDS:  You’re thrilled to have a rainy day to relax, watch movies, and doze on the couch; AFTER KIDS: You dread a rainy forecast because if you have to watch Frozen one more time…someone’s gonna get it

BEFORE KIDS: You spend your time engaged in intellectually stimulating conversations with your colleagues;                                                                                                                                                             AFTER KIDS: Conversation? What’s that? Nowadays, you spend your time trying to persuade your children to stop picking their nose in public

BEFORE KIDS: You slip lipstick and a credit card into a sleek handbag on your way out to the mall;                                  AFTER KIDS: You stuff diapers, wipes, animal crackers, sippy cups, band-aids, coloring books, crayons, Thomas the Tank Engine, and a bottle of aspirin into your diaper bag on your way out to the playground

BEFORE KIDS: The kitchen floor is so clean you can eat off it;                                                                                                     AFTER KIDS: You can eat off the kitchen floor because there’s food all over it

BEFORE KIDS: You and your husband consistently enjoy hot sex;                                                                                              AFTER KIDS: You and your husband occasionally enjoy a hot meal

BEFORE KIDS: You coordinate the perfect outfit to wear for a night out dancing;                                        AFTER KIDS: You grab something out of the laundry basket and pray that no one at the indoor playground will notice the breast-milk stain

BEFORE KIDS: You get to take long, hot showers and have time to shave your legs and smooth on kiwi-scented body gel; AFTER KIDS: You spray on some deodorant and call it a day

BEFORE KIDS: You save money and treat yourself to a Kate Spade handbag;                                                                            AFTER KIDS: You save money to treat your kid to a Star Wars backpack with original, collectible memorabilia

BEFORE KIDS: You dine on low-calorie, low-fat lunches at trendy new restaurants;                                                                 AFTER KIDS: You wolf down someone’s leftover pizza and cake at a Chuck E. Cheese’s

BEFORE KIDS: You can easily finish a great book;                                                                                                                           AFTER KIDS: You’re barely able to finish a simple thought

BEFORE KIDS: Your idea of bliss is being with the love of your life;                                                      AFTER KIDS: Your idea of bliss is tucking the love (or loves) of your life into bed each night