Why Facebook is a Fungus

13 Reasons I Hate Facebook

by Laurie Jane Free

I have tried to limit my time on Facebook because it sucks my serenity like a Dyson Vacuum Cleaner, without the ability to empty the dust.  In twenty minutes on any thread, here is the fungus that Facebook sets forth; 13 reasons I hate Facebook:

13 Reasons I Hate Facebook

1.  The Whole Foods Scandals

  • Bunnies being sold at Whole Foods as a meat product. Just No.
  • Fake olive oil at Whole Foods and Paul Newman’s company. I buy Newman’s Own products  because all their profits go to charity and I can eat as much as I want because “it’s all natural”  (insert sarcasm re “all natural”…)  I do not even shop at Whole Foods and I’m pissed. I do buy Newman’s Own stuff because of the charity thing. Do not burst my bubble if you are a Newman Whistle Blower. I love him and his foods.
  • Blogs telling me that if I shop at Whole Foods, I will actually save money. Yes, If I buy two apples and a kumquat.
  • Someday, when I have time — and a trust fund —  I want to walk up in that hizzle, with 600 plastic bags from Wal-Mart, a giant grape Slurpee, and ask the Whole-Food-acates, “Hey where the Aqua Net at, I got to keep this formaldehyde from fading!”

2.  A New York Times Article About “Moral Facts Not Being Taught in the Classroom  I could not read the article because I felt as though I might be gaining real knowledge, culture  and insight.  As my brain cells started to churn with actual interesting information — FROM A LINKED ARTICLE ON FACEBOOK — my shallow fingers danced on  Google for the latest  Kim/Kayne/Queen Bae/Taylor/Iggy scandal, or for any GIF of “cats acting like jerks” (because that ish is funny!!) …..just to kill off my confused, educated  and culturally charged brain cells. Phew. That was a close one, Teach.

3.   Moral outrage over moral outrage over lack of moral outrage over moral outrage over everyone’s’ lack of perceived  moral outrage on Facebook? Fo. realz.

4.  Whistle blowers blowing on whistle blowers’ inability to blow whistles whilst thinking  EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS TRUE.
I watched the end of  “Argo” three times this weekend because I am homesick for:
– rotary phones
– encyclopedias
– natural feathered hair
– fabulous hair without a Pinterest board as guidance
– bad movies. (not Argo but fake ‘Argo’)
– smoke being a “bad for you” sexy vice.  For example, nowadays, if I have a Diet Coke, I hide, because my healthy friends may kidnap me and make me do keg stands with celery kale cleanse smoothies for a week, whilst planking.

I digress.

5.   A Gym Selfie: of a ripped couples abs causing the washboard thingy in my laundry room to uncontrollably weep in 13 Reasons I Hate Facebookconvulsions, all while consuming the rest of my chocolate and diet coke stash.

6.   The Comments Section Look on any  article/blog, and you’ll see people slice each other up in vitriolic rage only seen before by Jack Nicholson’s “A Few Good Men” or “The Shining.”  Seriously, my eyes bleed therapy bills after reading people’s pent up rage. IN A FACEBOOK COMMENT SECTION.

7.  Parenting Epiphanies. I do not understand how anyone with children can have an epiphany.
My Epiphany?

– I remember to dress my children in their dress rehearsal attire for dress rehearsal.
– alive and not in the ER.
– less than five curse words exclaimed in a twelve-hour period
– no one is projectile puking on that one last clean carpet space OR silver lining: said puker-child makes it to the bathroom and to the toilet.

8.   Cryptic, passive-aggressive, philosophical posts that end with a prayer. I am pretty sure Jesus does not have time for decoding Facebook posts and please stop tagging him unless it’s really important.

9.   ISIS.  I know they’re awful. They’re terrible. They are terrorists and everyone should be disgusted with their actions. Please. Stop. Telling. Me. This.  If I hear,  “If you are not scared of ISIS, you should be scared and here is why you should be scared right now and if you are still not scared, you are a moral disgrace to our country” one more time…  This one isn’t just Facebook, actually. I had to stay on the phone with my 75 year old father until he turned off the “Isis Terror Infomercials” and Google something funny such as, “Dad, Google cat- kicking a dogs ass to protect a little child. Seriously now, it’s on the internet and it’s epic, brah. I mean Dad.”

10.  Articles like this.  “FIVE THINGS TO NEVER EVER EVER EVER DO AS A PARENT EVER EVER Otherwise,  your children will grow up to be a Kohls-coupon-stealing, foul-mouthed gamer, who drains your 401k and your dreams of living on a boat/RV/cute cottage in Maine — and your pension will crash against the death slicing barnacles of your said dream house in New England.”  Yep, actual title. OR: “Have your read this list of 8000 books?  If you haven’t, you are an uneducated person, just like your ‘Kohls-coupon-stealing-house-barnacle-smashing-kids”

12. Oy Vay:  “The War On Grain”   Just stop.  And to the guy who wrote ‘Bread Belly’ or ‘Bread Head’ or ‘Wheat Gut.’ You kind of ruined bread for like, everyone.  I’ll save the stale, tasteless, cardboard, crackers for you at my next party.

13 Reasons I Hate Facebook13. Hashtags and Made up Hashtags that are two lines long.  I used to be right there with you, hash tagging up the joint, until I re-read some of my hashtags, and cried for my inner hipster child.

I still love Facebook.  It is a hyperbole for my #adhdocdchickenlittletheskyisfallbreadheadhead.  Next time, just do everyone a favor and link the active Kohls coupon codes.