Every year on my anniversary, I joke with my husband that there’s another notch on the wall, as if I’m a prisoner tallying the days of my confinement.  The truth is, though, I wouldn’t have my life any other way.

In the five short years we’ve been married, we’ve survived two kids that are seventeen months apart (and another on the way), buying a house and then renovating it, dealing with in-laws, money issues and more.  Much, much more.

Since we’ve had a lot thrown at us, I thought I’d impart some marital wisdom on the unsuspecting couples that are looking for advice.  Don’t look for a list of “do’s” from MrsMuffinTop, however.  If you’re new to my page: I’m candid, humorous and vulgar!  So, here are the five “Don’ts” for your five first years of marriage!

1.  Don’t Ever, Ever Forget About the Penis.

You would think this would be a given, no?  Well, from MrMuffinTop’s perspective, it’s not as obvious as all of us would think.  When the Honeymoon ends, literally, it’s so easy to fall into a rut groove that sex sometimes takes a backseat to thank you notes, househunting, and in our case, pregnancy and babies.  RULE: Always remember to make him feel like a sexy, desirable, stud of a man, even when his snoring and farting is making you feel like you could probably hold the pillow over his face long enough to do him in without causing any suspicion from the cops.

2.  Don’t Expect Prince Charming/Princess Disney  Forever

You read number one, right?  Did you see the part about snoring and farting?  If you didn’t live together before getting married, this can be a huge shocker.  If it isn’t farting, it can be dirty laundry all over the place, drops of pee on the toilet seat (that you sit on in the middle of the night), or any other habit that your spouse wasn’t comfortable enough to show you before you exchanged vows.  Or maybe you were too enamored to notice.  Either way, the fairy tale wasn’t going to last forever, and this is who you’re dealing with.  Believe me, you’re going to have something that irks you.  RULE: Let these little things slide.  At the end of the day you should remember that your partner is probably annoyed at your little quirks, too.  It’d be a pretty miserable relationship if someone is always nitpicking.  Save your arguments for the ones that matter.

3.  Don’t Piss Off Your In-Laws

This is the only rule that’s self explanatory.  Just don’t.

4.  Don’t Neglect Your Friends

We learned this one the hard way.  Life was on fast forward for us the first two years, we had a hard time staying afloat.  There was so much going on between the bed-rest pregnancy, moving, another pregnancy and family issues that we forget to devote time to our friends.  Looking back, we both agree that even though we were busier than we had ever been, alloting more time to our friends would have eased the stress level.  RULE: Your friends will be the ones that remind you of your happy, carefree history.  On the hard days, it’s really important to have those memories, and see how far you’re really come.

5.  Don’t Ever, Ever Forget the Penis

Oh, you’ve heard this one before?  Look, the reality is that men are sexual creatures, and don’t go through the changes that women do with pregnancy and motherhood.  If you want to keep the spark alive in your relationship, you have to make sure you stay connected physically.  It’s a stress reliever, releases amazing endorphins (happy hormones), and keeps the passion alive.  RULE:  There are going to be times when this is going to be the LAST thing on your mind, but think of it like exercising.  Sometimes it’s hard to get motivated, but when you do, you feel amazing and ready to take on the world!!


What are your words of wisdom for surviving five years of marriage?