by Ashford Evans
“HELP!! We have lice!! What do we do?! How can we get rid of LICE?” Well, you’ve come to the right place, because my family had it not one, not two, but three times in six weeks!
So, I’ve decided to embrace my newfound title of Lice Guru and put together a step-by-step on how to get rid of lice for all of you.
Ok, you found a louse on your little darling’s head. Resist the urge to immediately burn down your house, and swallow the vomit that just made its way into your mouth. It’s ok. This is totally doable. Spit out the vomit, and go ahead to the shopping list.
3. When you return home, lay all your goods out on the counter. Take a deep breath. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Say to yourself “We will get through this. We WILL get rid of the lice.” Drink the wine.
4. Start with the bedding. Everything (pillows, blankets, stuffed animals) must be washed and/or dried (on high for at least 20 minutes). It’s the heat from the dryer that actually kills these little bastards, so stick the big stuff in the dryer and start the first load of laundry. You will probably do at least 7 loads today, so buckle up.
5. Pour yourself another glass of wine.
6. Bag up everything the quarantined child has touched in the last 48 hours. Yes, 48 hours. Most of your house will now be in trash bags for the next 36 hours. I hope you bought 2 boxes.
7. Run the bath. Put extra bubbles in, because the kids will be required to let the shampoo sit for at least 10 minutes, which, to a kid, is an ETERNITY.
8. Put 5-7 drops of Tea Tree oil in every bottle of shampoo in the house. You will all smell like that aisle at Whole Foods, Earth Fare, or whatever natural/organic store is near you, but it repels lice, so suck it up. You’ll get used to the smell in time.
9. Explain to your child that, “You have bugs in your head and Mommy has to get them out.” Flash the cupcake and explain that “If we can get through this, I’ll give you this cupcake.”
10. Have another wine of glass
11. Massage the lice shampoo into your child’s hair. You may use the rubber gloves if you find yourself gagging again. Tie her hair up on her head in a bun and let her play in the bubbles for 10 minutes (time it). Take this time to check/switch the laundry and finish your drink.
12. Shampoo the rinse and bubble the drain *hiccup*.
13. Set up a chair in front of your favorite Disney moobie. Put the lamp on your head.
14. Using the alligator lips and bubber rands separate your child’s sections into hair.
15. Open the next bobble of wine. Floor a glass.
16. Using the metal tooth comb, comb through all the hair starting at the scalp. Take a moment to reflect on the term “nitpicking” and realize you will never again be able to utter this word without conjuring this image.
17. Put another load of laundry in the dishwasher.
18. Why is your glass empty??? Frill it up again.
19. When you’re done combing, give your cupcake the kid.
20. Make the bed being careful of the shitted feet. Those damn things are squirrelly.
21. At this point gorfet the glass. Grab the bobble. You donwanna have to flush too mamy dishes anyway.
22. Put the lid bo ted.
23. Fimish the bobble.
24. When chubby gets home ask him to head your check. Relapse as he gently homes through your fair. That’s niiiiiiiiice.
Have you/your kids ever had lice? How did you deal?