Why I Want To Come Back In My Next Life as a Dad!
by Ashley Trexler
Aren’t you just a little curious? About how the other half lives?
No, not the rich half. I’m talking about the half on the other side of your bed. The half with a penis.
I’m jealous. So jealous.
Not of the penis, but of what it must feel like to sleep through an entire night, worry-free. To not jump at the slightest noise, or feel compelled to crack an eye open towards the baby monitor every hour, just to make sure my child’s chest is moving.
I want to snore, dammit.
Won’t someone let me snore? The answer is a big, fat “No!” That’s why, in my next life, I want to come back as a dad. I’m pretty sure moms have the sweeter deal, when all is said and done…but the chance to sleep soundly, through an entire night, just one more time? Bring on the beer-belly and weird bodily functions.
I’d do just about anything for a decent night’s sleep.
Here are a few Manly Talents I’m looking forward to testing out in my next life, as a Dad:
The Selective Smeller: When asked about the curious smell emanating from the closet, a dad will invariably say, “Really? I don’t smell anything.” Mom then gets to dig through every. Single. Thing in the closet, to finally discover a rotting bag of cheese cubes in a forgotten coat pocket (true story).
But throw away a burger wrapper in the trash can (some days you just need junk food), and that same man, incapable of smelling 2-week old rotting dairy, will hunt down the source of the fast food smell like a bloodhound in heat.
This mom would love to be able to turn her nose off. Think off all the unpleasantness we could avoid; diaper changes, vomit, dog messes, just by saying, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t smell anything!”
Tune-Out Mode: As a mom, I’m great at tuning out whiny kids. Everyone else? Well, let’s just say I have a hard time saying no. In my “Dad Life,” I’ll get to selectively tune out anyone. It’s gonna be great.
When the schools asks for volunteers, my head will stay down, typing away on my phone. I’ll look up (eventually) and get to say, “Oh, sorry. I was sending a work email. What did I miss? Volunteering for clean-up duty? Oh, shoot! Next time.”
I’ll tune out my wife/girlfriend/partner, when she asks me to repair the leaky faucet. “Couldn’t hear anything over the coffee maker this morning, honey. Sorry.” (Right, because it’s not like we have a conversation every single morning…over the coffee maker.)
Sleep of the Dead: In my “Dad Life,” I’ll be He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. No, not the Harry Potter villain, but the one that can snore right through your kid’s middle of the night shenanigans.
I’ll be the Dad who inspires you to dream up creative ways to end my existence, at o’dark-thirty, when I’m snoring – and you’re not
It’s a Manly Talent, to be able to sleep a full night during the trip that is Parenthood.
Sleeping undisturbed won’t only happen at night. I’ll be able to sleep on the couch, during the day. With hyped-up kids who are investigating knife drawers while banging on pots and pans, I’ll just stretch out on the couch, fling one arm over my eyes, and get a little shut-eye.
Seriously, that takes talent. Manly Talent.
The Player: I’ll get to be a player. Not the hip-hop kind – the kid kind. When asked to play a game, I’ll say, “Sure!” not, “Sorry, honey. I have to vacuum.”
I’ll play trucks, dolls, and dress-up. The house will be a mess, but I won’t care. Dishes will stay in the sink, hair will clog the sinks, but it won’t matter. I will always choose an epic fort-building adventure over scrubbing toilets.
This is one of the best Manly Talents. The ability to set aside minor demands, and just live in the moment.
I think I need to practice this one more, in my Mom Life. Except I don’t have time, which brings me to the final, and awesomest, Manly Talent:
Pooping in Silence: Okay, this last one has me really excited. I will get to – are you ready for it – go to the bathroom ALONE.
There will be no one with me. No kids, dogs, stuffed animals, or food. There will be no noise, no arguing, no sudden announcements of starvation, after I’ve pulled my pants down.
I will simply enter the bathroom of my choice, lock the door (no interruptions, please), sit down, and take my time. I might bring some reading material, ‘cause it can get boring in there, all by my lonesome.
Alone. I will be alone. In a bathroom.
I may never come out.
It’s A Wonderful Life
I’m looking forward to coming back as a dad, in my next life.
I forgot a few pesky daily details, though, like providing for my family, being a role model to my children, supporting my partner, and heading to a job every day that I may (or may not) enjoy.
Hmmm…maybe my next life as a dad won’t be quite as easy as I’d hoped.
We’ll just have to find out, but at least I won’t be sleep-deprived when making important life decisions.
Like which bathroom to use.
This is everything I needed right now..
Morgan,
Glad you enjoyed it, and hope it was good for a laugh (or two)!
Cheers to Manly Talents. 🙂
This is so funny. I like the line: “It’s a Manly Talent, to be able to sleep a full night during the trip that is Parenthood.” It is so true.
Sleep and alone time in the bathroom?? Sign me up!
Haha!! Love this! Just the thought of pooping alone is making me excited. I get to go out all night tonight so it has potential for a good nights sleep-but I think my mommy brain will wake me up at least twice. Ah, to sleep again! I don’t remember what it’s like-I’m really excited about it!
Ha! I’ve thought about these so many times! Sometimes these examples are funny, sometimes, not so much…!
Ah to be a dad! I once circled the bedroom whilst my young one screamed hysterically for two hours and my husband slept right through it!!
bahahahahahaha!!!!! You NAILED it!!!! This could not have been more perfect! Loved! Loved! Loved it!!!
Funny! I want time out mood!
ROFL. I don’t want wait until next life… anyone figured out what I have to do to be a Dad in this one??!!!
Hi Ashley,
That was a great post! I will gladly join ‘Want to be Dad in my next life’ club if you open one!
Hey Ashley, great post. I loved it!
I’ts taken 10 years but I’ve discovered 2 tricks to getting a good night sleep as a Mum. Firstly, tell Dad he’s on night patrol. I did this before my second one was born – told my husband he was responsible for No1 child, and he did it! This works for heaps of my friends too.
Second one, now my kids are older and my husband is snoring more, I wear ear plugs. Any nightmares are all down to Daddy now. Brilliant! 🙂
Best. Post. Ever! I tell my husband constantly, “It must be nice to be the Dad!” Im having him read this!
Honestly as a man, I don’t understand how mothers cope with the lack of sleep – I think most men would have a psychotic episode!
Amen! Nailed it. Also, dad’s miss all the home Nursing, doctor, and ER visits!
I know! I have been made to hold my bladder by my son, because he wants me to lie beside him while he drinks his milk… And I want to take a shower the moment I reach home from work!
Omg tune out mode- how do they do it?!?!
The bastards are hard wired 😉 😛
That going to work thing would mean you would get decent Social Security credits that will translate into decent Social Security payments later in life. And as an employed dad instead of an employed mom, you’d get paid what you were worth instead of two-thirds of it. Aside from racial disparities in pay, motherhood is the number one thing that makes a woman’s pay plummet, even if she’s a quote-unquote “working mom” minus that 12 weeks of unpaid postpartum leave.