The more moms I meet, the more I see it. The look. There’s a look that moms give each other, but it’s not just a casual glance or smile. It’s a look that mothers of well behaved kids give the moms that have kids who don’t fit into their box. I received so many private emails from my previous post, that I had to write this, because it really confirms my thoughts on “the look.” If you didn’t read it, see it here.
I’ve started categorizing other mothers into two groups: judges and chills. The “judges” are the ones that give you the look whenever the kids get into a conflict at school, playdate, birthday party. In their eyes, it’s always the fault of the mom. As in, “if I were that child’s mother, I would _______, not ________ like she just did!” Followed by the snub/cold shoulder.
The “chills” seem to understand that kids learn through experience, and means that sometimes, they will throw things, hit, yell, not share or any other type of activity that causes them to be at odds for a period of time. They work with you to help the kids get over it, and move on.
Here’s the thing: it’s easy to become a judge. Actually, most of my mommy friends that I have through my daughter are judges. Why? These girls are actually sickeningly well behaved when they’re together. So when a kid comes in that well, isn’t, he/she really stands out. Cue the judges! I’ve heard it all, and it really makes me cringe. Not just because I’ve read a lot of “how to be happy” books and know that being judgmental pretty much does the opposite. It’s because I’ve been snubbed by the judges moms that I’ve met through my son. Being on the receiving end of these women is tough. Have you seen Mean Girls? Picture that, only with 15 years more experience on how to be a total clique-ish bitch.
I like to think that I’ve helped my judge friends see the other side of it, the way the Chills have helped me through some really hard times. And if you don’t have kids, I’m just going to tell you right now, without a doubt in my mind, that you are a JUDGE. Have you ever heard yourself saying this around your friends: I’ll never let my kids do that….I rest my case.
I’m pretty sure I can say I’m a chill. I’m not saying I’ve never judged, but you’ve got a “Chill” in me. 😉
I love your site.
I don’t have children but I have 6 dogs and five of them are under the age of 3.5 years. I throw in the .5 b/c it counts- it really does. I’ve meet the “judges” in the dog world. Heck, I’ve had my judgy moments but not anymore. There are just too many variables to give a one size fits all answer. But I continue to bump into – mostly women- who give that look. I’m in avoidance mode until they all reach 4. Until then just assume I’ve tried everything to make them perfect but perfect doesn’t exist! So I’ve become a Chill. Worse things can happen.
I admit I used to be a judge but am not anymore. When you have a ‘spirited’ (hate that word) child, you quickly understand.
LOVE this! Who knew having kids would launch us back into high school again? Funny I have the same experiences with my son vs my daughter…