KOPULATING WITH KIM AND KANYE
by Melissa “the Imp” Charles
Lately, my window to the world, Wolf, has been filling me in on Kim Kardashian news. I’m considering duct taping his head shut.
First, there was the news that her husband, What’s-His-Face, plastered nude pics of her on Twitter, to celebrate her having 30 million followers.
Then…Apparently K and K are trying for another baby.
Let me repeat that: FIFTEEN TIMES A DAY.
Even rabbits are side eyeing that claim.
And that’s down from her original estimate of 500.
I, for one, am thinking bullshit. Let me tell you why:
1) He looks way too healthy. If he was trying to make a baby fifteen times a day, the man would be a shrivelled husk. He wouldn’t be producing sperm at that point, but draining spinal fluid.
2) I know he considers himself the Second Coming, but fifteenth? Really?
3) Does the term, “Friction burn” mean anything to you? There’s not enough KY lubricant on the planet to make that a non issue. Fifteen times a day would make it impossible to wear pants. Or, walk. Certain body parts would be in an air cast.
4) Numbness: at some point, if you’re lucky, before friction burn, things get a wee bit numb from over use. Hey, I’ve been a teenager, and a newly wed, I know what I’m talking about.
5) Time. From personal experience, and a quick survey of those I know, things take longer with each session. You’d need food delivery, by someone willing to set up a snack bar on the bed, because this is gonna take a while.
6) Not even horny teenage boys are at it fifteen times a day.
7) Time again. Unless he’s Flash Gordon, the fact that either of them have been seen in public, ever, says no to her claims.
Frankly, the combo of the nude pics, and the fifteen times a day claim sounds a lot like a desperate PR stunt to me.
Here’s a tip to you both: it’s ok to keep somethings, well, private. Honest. Claims of fifteen baby making sessions a day doesn’t impress folks, or make them think that Kanye’s a Stud God among men. They just side eye the shit out of you.
And, for the love of God, please, please, PLEASE don’t release a video.
Although, I’m kind of surprised that Kanye hasn’t protested Kim’s claims, and announced that Beyoncé deserves the award…errr…sex.
Hopefully, he’s not planning on interrupting the pregnancy announcement with it. “Shoulda been Beyoncé…”