Are You a Great Cook in the Bedroom and a Slut in the Kitchen?

The Madonna Whore Complex
by Stephanie Lewis
 

Maybe you’re just a tad mixed up, you poor dear. But don’t fret; we’ve all walked the fine line between behaving like a respectable mom and wanting to be perceived as a MILF. Heck, Freud didn’t invent the term, “Madonna/Whore Complex” just for Psych 101 courses. 

 Before I hand out my top tips for combining your Motherly identity with your Adult Film Star Persona, I’ve noticed other bloggers with names like, “Erica Erotica” and “Gertie Flirty” or “Debra Desire,” so I think it’s only fitting I rename myself as well.

 

6 Tips To Integrate Practical Moms With Their Steamy Sensuality

By Sexanie Stephanie

 

1. Always dress in fabric that’s soft, satiny, silky or slinky® — But don’t force that last one into your wardrobe if it doesn’t come naturally for you. Very few women can pull off silver metal coils wrapped tightly around their thighs.

Madonna Whore Complex

Imagine this provocative sex toy alluringly draped around your neck

 

  

2. Do your kegels while preparing kugels— It will pay off and everyone will feel more fulfilled. Firm things up by eliminating the eggs and butter. My favorite recipe is HERE. Be careful when removing from the oven — you wouldn’t want to spill all over your freshly mopped pelvic floor.

Madonna Whore Complex

 

3.  Incorporate tantra — As soon as your toddler screams or falls to the ground, swiftly put him in his room for time-out. He will soon figure out throwing a giant tantra won’t get him what he wants. After the tantric episode subsides, look deeply into your lover’s eyes (while offering him a cryptic massage) then teasingly state the following, “I’ll be right back. It’s too quiet in our child’s room. I think he’s coloring on the walls.” (Note: make that a cryptic message, NOT massage.)

 4. Insert the 3 “L” words, “lust, longing & lubrication” into everyday conversation — Because inserting things always reeks of sex. Try, “I’m making out a grocery lust, — are we out of toilet paper in our master bathroom?” (The words “making out” and “master” also ratchet up this sexy exchange) or how about simply, “Why don’t you go take a longing walk off a short pier?!” And lastly, be sure and mention the large variety of lubricants you’ve tried out lately. But yet those damn crow’s feet continue to persist. Mmmm, you’ll be glad you drew a bubble bath immediately after this kind of foreplay talk!

 5.  Pose for boudoir photos — First practice pronouncing “Boudoir” correctly. I called for some driving directions to my “Boudoir sitting” and found myself headed to Boulder, Colorado. Okay, so you’re definitely a hot little number all on your own, but bringing in props helps set the stage in the studio and brightens the photographer’s day. In fact my cameraman called me his little “Testosterone Tramp” because I leaned over suggestively, while firmly pressing down on my hormone-cream pump. He got the perfect shot for my husband to fantasize over. 

 6. Wear lots of lingerie.  The word lingerie is French and means to linger. Spanx, (even though it’s sold in the lingerie department) will only backfire because removing it will have him picturing you back in the kitchen opening Pillsbury Pop n’ Fresh dough. Never explode out of your lingerie; peel it off slowly like French women do. A negligee, (which also derives from the French language) is perfect. But if your negligee is doused in baby spit-up, substitute anything that’s written with a French accent mark. So wriggle into a soufflé, don an attaché, or even slip into a sultry protégé. It’s all good! When your lingerie has worked its charm and you’ve finally climaxed like a proper French prostitute, be sure and shout, “Touché!” to complete this exotic theme. Hungry? Make French toast, of course.

 Following these easy suggestions will have your significant other exclaiming, “Our sex life is the greatest thing since sliced bread.”  Or maybe he’ll just ask you to pack him a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

 What’s your sexy secret??

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2015