by Gail Hoffer-Loibl

When I was pregnant, I took all the Lamaze and birthing classes, read “What to Expect” and knew every freaking fruit my developing fetus was becoming (remember the ‘at this week, your fetus is the size of a cantaloupe’ chapters). But, apparently, I missed the memo on what new moms are supposed to do, and it is time for me to come clean.

Here are some of my transgressions:

1. Nursery.  Where my baby sleeps has no discernible theme. The walls are blue, not because I have a boy, but because they have always been that color. On the floor is a safari-animal playmat, so I guess that is something. No wait –there is a theme– it is called “messy.”

Ready to Wear!

Ready to Wear!

2. Clothing.  I gave up on lovingly washing and folding every piece of clothing before my child wore it. Laundry is exhausting, so

I just rip the tags from something when I need to clothe my child.

 

 

 

3. Birth Announcements.  I never sent out a formal birth announcement, complete with requisite cuteness involving baby in some sort of receptacle or absurdly adorable sleeping pose. I even skipped out on the professional newborn shoot. The cell phone shots will have to do.

Check out that ergonomic design!

Check out that ergonomic design!

4. Nursing Pillow.  I never owned a nursing pillow. Somehow, I managed to breastfeed my son for almost two years using the

boring, flat pillows I have lying around my apartment.

 

5. Milestones.  I do not know the exact moment my son said his first word, or even what it was. I think it was mama. Yeah, we will go with that.  Mama.

6. First Haircut.  I forgot to save a lock from the first haircut. I did take pictures, so go me.

It might not be Pinterest-worthy, but it tasted delicious.

It might not be Pinterest-worthy, but it tasted delicious.

7. First Birthday.  I didn’t prepare any of the food for the first birthday party. Actually, I didn’t do much of anything, except show up.  With the baby, of course.

8. Baby Album.  My “baby album” was started as a gift and finished haphazardly by me. Most photos stay on my phone or on Shutterfly.

9. Pictures.  Speaking of photos, I never staged creative shots of my son mowing the lawn or cooking filet mignon.

10. Social Media.  My son doesn’t have a YouTube channel, Facebook page or Twitter account on which to share his latest escapades in (not) sleeping, pooping and world discovery.

I hear you do the most for your first child. I apologize, future offspring.