by Ashford Evans

Any mom with young kids knows one thing: sometimes your activities outside the bedroom are so overwhelming and exhausting that your activities inside the bedroom can wane. And that’s ok. These are the seasons of our life. However, sometimes people who are not in your situation fail to understand and can therefore be judgmental, inappropriate, and just downright nosey. Case in point.

 

I recently weaned my 9 month old from breastfeeding. It went much faster than I anticipated – like two days and we were done. This only solidified my resolve that this was, indeed, the right decision. As a responsible mother ( or one who is consistently in over my head and cannot even fathom the idea of another child), I called my OB’s office to request a different birth control. The estrogen-only pills that you take while breastfeeding are not effective once you wean. And thus I experienced the most inappropriate, voyeuristic conversation I have ever had with a stranger.

 

Of course I had to leave a voicemail on the prescription line and wait for a call back. True to form my call was returned at the most inconvenient time when I was enjoying lunch with two girlfriends. This is the transcript of the call:

 

Nosey Nurse (to be referred to as NN moving forward): “I’m returning your call about changing your birth control.”

Me: “Yes. I just weaned my baby from breastfeeding and I need you to call in a new prescription for my birth control.”

NN: “Are you supplementing 2 or more bottles per day?”

Me: “Yes. Actually he is 100% done. It went a lot faster than I thought it was going to.”

NN: “You were supposed to call when you were supplementing 2 bottles a day. And he’s completely weaned???

Me: “Yes well, today is Monday and it happened over the weekend. So I called first thing this morning.”phone free

NN: “Well are you using some sort of back up birth control?”

Me: “Wellllllll. I’m not using any back up but I’m covered.”

NN: “So are you saying that you are not having sex?” (cue the judgmental tone in her voice)

Me: “I guess you could put it that way.”

NN: “Well are you not having any sex? Or just not much sex?”

Me: “Ummmmm. I guess I’m not having any sex right now.”

NN: “Well, when was the last time you had sex?”

Me: [long pause] “Well it was November 1st if you must know.” [“Would you also like to know that it was during a business trip that I accompanied my husband on and we had just returned to our hotel at 4 am after a long night of bar hopping and that it was MINDBLOWING????????”]

NN: “So no sex in the last three months.”

Me: [getting exasperated] “Look. Can you just call in the pills? This is getting awkward.”

NN: “I’m just trying to make sure you’re covered.”

Me: “I have three children. I know how it works.”

NN: “Well if you do become sexually active you need to use a back up for at least a month.”

Me: [losing my self control] “I’M NOT NOT SEXUALLY ACTIVE. I’M JUST NOT HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW. I MEAN I’M STILL MARRIED AND WE’RE STILL HAPPY. WE’RE JUST TIRED!!!!! WE ARE SOOOOOOO TIRED!! THERE’S NOTHING WRONG IN MY MARRIAGE!!!! IT’S JUST A SEASON!!!!  THIS IS NOT A SEXLESS MARRIAGE!”

NN: [really judgmental tone] “Ok ma’am.”

Me: “Seriously can you just call it in please????” [begging now]

NN: “I will speak to the doctor and call it in today.”

 

As I hung up the phone and threw it on the table I looked up at my girlfriends who were staring at me with mouths agape and I realized that yes. I had just had that conversation (very loudly) in a very crowded steakhouse at lunch hour.

 

“Check please!!!”